Couch to 80K – Week Two – Day Five

I’m doing the “Couch to 80k” – a writing bootcamp from writer and poet Tim Clare. For more information go here: http://www.timclarepoet.co.uk/couchto80kwritingbootcamp/

Exercise Ten
Choose two names from the list we made on day one (Mine is here should be interested)
Person one is writing an emotive letter to person two. It can be any emotion.

My chosen names: Freddy Teller and Parker Kincaid

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Dear Parker,

I have long thought about writing this letter. Sometimes I actually started but then I’d throw it away and decide sending it wasn’t worthy our time. Occasionally I’d actually finish it and put it out for posting but before it was collected I grabbed it and tore it up.

You see, I know I need to apologise. I know I never have. Not to you directly. But how do I apologise for what I did?

For years I wanted to apologise but finding the words has been hard. “I’m sorry!” Just didn’t seem enough. But what would be enough?

I can never make amends for what I did. I can’t take it back, I can’t make it right. I could tell you that I’m not the person I was back then and talk about how I’ve changed. Because I have. A lot! But that wouldn’t matter to you I imagine. Not because you’re not interested but because it won’t change what I did.

I could tell you how who I was back then was not the person I thought I’d be when I was growing up. I pictured myself growing old with a wife and kids. My children coming to see me in my retirement. Me visiting them. Giving my grandchildren treats their parents wouldn’t allow. But I took all that away from myself. I did. No one else. And I took it all away from you.

I can’t blame a government, I can’t blame society, I can only blame myself. I have come to terms with that and accepted that even though I used to blame others I was just trying to find a way out and that really, it was all down to me.

I lost so much that day and the only person who’ll ever know just how much I lost is you. Because you lost too. I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry I took it all away.

I don’t want you forgiveness. It would be an accomplishment if I got it but I don’t deserve it. And if a miracle was to happen and you were to give me that forgiveness I think I’d ask you to take it back. I don’t do deserve absolution.

I’m not looking for sympathy here. I’m trying to explain. I don’t think I’m doing a good job of it. And why would I? Again, it comes back to me trying to work out how to say sorry and there just is no way other than with those two simple words.

I’m sorry.

It’s not enough but it’s all I have and it’s from the heart. What I have left of one.

I know I won’t see you again, we have no choice over that, but know that in my darkest days you were always in my thoughts and always my light.

With love, always.

Freddy.